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My Goals
A long journey begins with a single step Contribute to the society Live life to the fullest Consistently thinking and learning Believe and motivate myself Having small goals to achieve the big goal Overcome setbacks Loving ppl ard me It doesn't matter how slow u go, as long u don't stop. |
Bullying
Sunday, September 26, 2010 @ 1:10 AM “Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself.” Harvey S. Firestone  [extracted from: http://lrichter.tie.wikispaces.net/Bullying+Quotes] I was once a victim from bullying in my primary school. I don't have much friends in my primary school. It was kind of dark period for me, lots of crying occur. Although I was unhappy during the times, I know that their insults serve the only sole purpose: To diminish my self in order to boost themselves; To gain an upper hand on me. It was not like I didn't seek help. I did. But, I was ignored from teachers and parents. Parents were too busy to contact school. A teacher just forgot about the incidents, another told me that one of my bullies has psychological problem and asked me to endure. So, I endured my 6 years of bullying. I tried to retaliate in some verbal abuses but it makes matter more worse. It did lower my self-esteem and made me unwilling to talk to people for I was afraid that I may be bullied by others. I remembered I tried to get away from the bullies to have time alone for myself during recess by going to the school library and engrossed myself in books to forget about the bullying and to recharge myself to continue my struggle. I still remember most of the bullying were directed to my academic results. A boy who was seated next to me loved to compare my results with his. Once, he scored a mark higher than me, he made a big fuss. "Na ni na ni poo poo! I got a mark higher than you! You are stupid." This was what he would continue saying throughout the day. It was annoying, but most of the times when I won over his marks, he would not say anything and kept quiet the whole day. Many did worst, like trying to copy my answers. Once, my paper was snatched away from my desk during an examination. It was horrifying. The bully that has psychological problem loved to hit, insult and threaten me. I kept telling myself that I should endure as she was not well. Another bully loved to destroy my things. The funniest bully is one that loved to insult me till I cried then afraid of my crying, quickly passed me some tissue and forced me to play "country erasers" with him during lessons to divert my crying. I guess the bullying history in my past did make an impact in my life. I somehow cringed of making friends at the time as I was afraid of being hurt. I kept my inner self to myself. And, I really detest to do something beyond the moral values. I figured if I endured, it sorts of died off slowly but if I retaliated, it would get worse since there were no interventions from my parents and teachers. I realized I am the only one who can help myself. My secondary school is a turning point where I made great friends and looked forward to school everyday. I really appreciate that. I enjoyed being in their company, talking to them being there for them and going through with them during hard times. It really did open myself out to them but not to all. When someone said he liked me during my secondary school times, first thought that came out to my mind was, "This must be a joke. They are just joking with me. How can it be? I got scoliosis, having facial problems... etc. It can't be." So without any hesitation, I just ran away from it by avoiding meeting that person and erasing a confession on my table from someone. I didn't realize these actions might really hurt someone and I was really sorry about it afterwards. Then, here comes my jc life where I expose myself to the public more in one of my ccas. I had to contact more with the public by raising public awareness of crime and conduct house visits. It was my responsibility, so I just took in my stride and was actually happy doing it to interact with people. Also, I was more than willing to help people in need when they were injured. I love to help people a lot if it's within my mean and not beyond moral rights. However, still, I cringed talking to some. Sometimes, I just simply had no idea what to talk into a conversation. But once, I know someone well enough, there will be non-stopping talking. I am someone who trust my friends completely and will be upset when my trust is being betrayed. I guess bullying did impact me a lot. It actually made me afraid of making friends. I am actually still afraid of making friends with the opposite sex around my age and I really don't know how to interact with them. I had a crush on someone during my primary school times and whenever I saw him outside of school coincidentally, I would just avoid him. I was afraid of my own feelings. I always felt that my personality had a great change after a childhood incident and bullying. Actually, I was more outspoken of my thoughts before all that had happened. Sometimes, in primary school, I will just speak out my views during lessons. Even though I had improved but still, facing my relatives who had the construct of me being quiet, reserved, studious and shy. I tend to behave as they expected, as I don't want to shock/oppose their thinkings. Also, I tend to develop this annoying "skill" that I can switch off recognizing background voices and faces. I don't know why I can stare right into a familiar face for >5seconds and still can't recognize her/him. Sometimes, after 10 seconds then it occurs to me, I know that face! And, by then, that person will be gone. Misunderstandings may occur without my own knowledge. One can even smile at me, calls out my name but still, I can't see or hear them sometimes and I am sorry for that. The main purpose of typing the post is to let myself to know myself better and to untie a knot in my heart. I will try my best to help myself =) First, stop avoiding eye contact and smile at familiar faces. Having not nice smiles beats having no smile at all. This may sound easy to you but it's a huge step for me as I'd been avoiding faces and eye contacts from acquaintances who I never spoke to unconsciously for some years. It had become a bad habit. It's time to grow out of it and improve myself. Jia You, Sabina! =) I will support U, that is myself! =D |